Baby Blues - Expectations and realisations

I had a wonderful pregnancy. I had little morning sickness, and was doing a ballet lesson the week before I gave birth. I loved my pregnancy, but I didn't love my changing body at the very beginning. I've always been very aware of my weight, and without that initial baby bump, my view of myself plummeted. I had a bloated tummy, and because I found out very early on, not many people knew about the baby.

So, fast forward 38 weeks and 4 days, and our bundle of joy arrives. Oh, that bubble of adrenaline, oxytocin and love does stick around for a few days, and even with some weight issues (not mine, the baby's) I felt okay.

Until day 6 onwards.

At that point, I couldn't speak about something remotely negative without bursting into tears. It happens, and it is nothing to be ashamed of. D had also gone back to work on day 7, so I felt quite overwhelmed. I'm extremely lucky to be close to my mum, both in relationship and logistically. So she was always at the end of the phone when I needed her. And what a Godsend!

Once the weight issues had righted themselves (he is now a healthy chunk) I was able to enjoy motherhood. Slightly neurotically, I might add! I was a brilliant mother before having my own baby!I was exclusively breastfeeding at this point, and D (being self-employed) had weird and not so wonderful hours. One week, I was done - mentally frazzled, touched out, exhausted and just not in love with myself.

M wouldn't go down in his next to me crib, he wouldn't let me put him down at all, probably feeding off my insecurity, and I just had to walk out the room. And walk into the bathroom and scream, so hard and so loud, I woke Dan up as he thought something had happened. That was the turning point for us. I needed him to understand that, as much as I love M and I love being a mother, I'm not superwoman. I needed time.

I'm very lucky, please understand this, D does a lot, works hard, keeps the house clean and tidy, will do laundry, washing up, and cooking, he will look after M as soon as he has come in from work. M is a chilled out little lad, always full of smiles and personality.

And this is where the guilt sets in. So many mums have a harder time than I have, and when I feel low, it's not just the hormones, it's the guilt that I've not got it too hard and I still feel this way.

I'm fine at the moment, I'm confident, happy, and enjoying our time as a family. I think coming out of the sleep regression has a lot to answer for. I used to talk the talk, now walking the walk is a different kettle of fish! Everyone has the expectation, or rather, I think everyone has the expectation that I can handle whatever is thrown at me.

When I've felt like giving everything in, D is my rock, I tell him how I am feeling in the moment - sometimes there is a positive response, sometimes a not so positive - more incredulous. I will then tell others after the fact, who always say - you should have told me, you shouldn't deal with this on your own. It's not that I don't appreciate the support, it's that I'm not physically ready to share the thoughts in my head.

The expectation is that either you're fine and dandy, or you should be able to share your thoughts and feelings easily. The realisation is follow your own path, you're not meant to be perfect all the time. There will be positive and negative days. The realisation is, I do have a wonderful support network to call on. I have to enjoy the good days, and remember there will be not so good days - we're only human after all.